Remembering Inang on Mother's Day

There are many ways to address a mother depending on one’s culture, language, race, and so forth. And so a mother can be called “Mommy”, “Mom”, “Mama” (accent either on the first or second syllable), “Nanay”, “Inay”, “Inang”, “Ima” or whatever. But no matter how she is called, every mother is unique to every son or daughter and she leaves her own mark in a son or daughter that will remain there forever no matter what.

I call mine "Inang". And remembering Inang on Mother’s Day, is to remember who she was for me, which not only made her uniquely as my mother but also made me who I am today.

Not so long ago in the past, family roles between fathers and mothers were still pretty much clearly delineated – fathers took care of earning a living for the family and mothers took care of the home and the children. In a way, one can say fathers took care of the body while mothers took care of the soul.

It was so in our household years ago when we were growing up. Tatang took care of making money; while Inang took care of the household cleaning, cooking, washing and taking care of us children, and looking after our early formation including our spiritual formation.

Inang taught me my earliest notions of God, the saints, about prayers, heaven, and hell. I remember too that as a daily family ritual she would gather all of us regularly at 6pm as the time for the “oracion” comes. She would then lead us through the “Angelus” in a mixture of Tagalog and Spanish after which all of us children would line up to kiss the hands (“mano”) of our parents and all other elderly persons who happened to be with us then. It was Inang too who would gather all of us on Sunday and then herd us to church for mass. At the church entrance she would first dip her hands into the holy water basin and then seek every one of us children to bless us with her holy water-moistened hands.

I also learned as I grew up that her spirituality extended not only to external religiosity such as prayers but also to her personal values such as her deep caring for others especially those in need. We did not have much in terms of material possessions, but it was she who had taught me and my siblings not to turn away a beggar who would come knocking at our door without offering food or even a handful of rice or a few centavos to tide him over. She also never turned down a neighbor in need, whether it was for money or food, as long as she could afford it.

Inang and me

Fathers, they say, mold a son’s character through discipline and raise him to achieve his full potential until he is ready to raise his own family. Mothers, however, imprint themselves on a son in a way only a mother can and in the process cling to his soul.

As I grew up in Inang's loving motherly care, her simple faith and deep religiosity gave me courage to ask to be allowed to go the seminary after I had finished high school. I knew then that it was a most difficult decision for her to let me go because I was young and inexperienced to be separated so soon. But this was a call from God. In the end, I was sure it must have been her faith in God and divine providence that clinched it for me. With a heavy heart, she gave me her permission and even accompanied me all the way to the seminary gates for a tearful good-bye scene on the day I entered to start my seminary studies.

Some twenty years later, her faith would be tested once again when I decided to leave the ministry after an agonizing period of discernment to seek God’s will. I knew my decision to leave would hurt her. How could it not? Thus, I was already imagining all kinds of things she would say. That she could not understand my reasons for leaving and would not let me leave. That I would only cause an embarrassment to the family, that I should go back and think things once more, that I should go and confess my sins instead (as holier-than-thou others have suggested), that it is a great sin turning away from God (as if leaving the ministry was to turn against God), and so forth.

One day, after a retreat I finally found the courage and strength to tell her the truth that I had left and already requested Papal dispensation from Church authorities. What followed next was a scene I will never forget. She took my hands and said with her eyes almost in tears: “I have been waiting for you… I already know, but what can I do? I just prayed to God to take care of you if this is His will for you… If you are happy with your decision, then I also am happy.” We then embraced each other.

Prior to this talk with Inang, my life was unstable and aimless, my tomorrows were dark and unchartered specially after my decision was met with hurtful coldness and biting indifference by some friends colleagues, and even prospective employers. In contrast, Inang’s words were like soothing balm to my wounded spirit; assurance enough for me to start living once more from then on and to set out building my new life as a layman. After obtaining my Papal dispensation from my priestly and religious vows and with Inang’s blessings, I got married that same year and started a family.

Inang’s prayer

Inang also had such an unshakeable faith in prayer. She would always say that God has always heard her prayers. And one of her most ardent prayer, according to her, is for God not to let her see anyone of her children die before she does. She said she would rather die first because she could not bear to bury anyone of us.

God answered Inang’s wish. She died peacefully and joined her creator at the age of 92 in November of 1999. Although none of us her seven children were around when she breathed her last, all seven of us were around when she was buried beside Tatang, her beloved husband.

That is “Inang”, my mother!

On aging gracefully: "Ateng" turns 70

If there is anyone who is truly embracing her aging gracefully, I can think of my only sister Elena who is turning 70 today.

My younger brothers and I call her “Ateng” which is a term of endearment and respect for the oldest sister in the family. But all her nephews and nieces, her grandnephews and grandnieces also call her “Ateng”. Many others, relatives outside our immediate family and even non-relatives, also call her “Ateng” prompting others to call her “Ateng ng bayan” (everybody’s Ateng).

One thing that immediately stands out about Ateng is that she has remained single to this day. Far from being an ugly duckling, dull or uninteresting, Ateng is quite pretty and smart that she was never lacking in suitors in her younger days.

She says she never got married because of our dear Inang (my mother, bless her soul!). By this, she probably meant she foresaw her role of being Inang’s caretaker in her old age (which she did until Inang’s death at age 92). And taking care of Inang while having a family of her own would certainly have been a complete disaster!

But there is another reason for Ateng to say Inang was the reason for her staying single. For Inang, no man was apparently good enough for her daughter! You see, whenever any guy would come to the house to court Ateng, and as soon as the guy had left the house, Inang would readily start her litany of imaginable reasons why the guy is not good enough for Ateng! Inang never hid her dislike for any guy who comes to court Ateng so that soon any prospect of a future love life for her was abbreviated when boys stopped coming to the house even just to befriend her.

I can imagine how Ateng must have suffered in her heart through all these, since she did like in particular one or two of the guys. In any case, she would only say later that if those guys were not brave enough to face her mother, then they also were not worth her time!

The irony of it all is that shortly before Inang died and when Ateng was already well past her marrying age, she kept urging Ateng to get married so she would have somebody to take care of her in her (Ateng’s) old age!

For me, I think Ateng never got married because she never found anyone who could come up to the high standards set by our beloved Tatang, the ideal husband and father and the man who was Ateng’s first love of her life (I am implying here that there is a second!). Also, being the only girl in a family with six other boys, she was Tatang’s little girl from the start. It is an open secret that unlike us boys, she never got to experience Tatang’s famous temper. Ateng’s lips are sealed when it comes to the extras that she got from being an only daughter of Tatang. We just know that the two of them must have had a deeper and unique relationship that none of us six boys ever had with Tatang… and that is why Tatang’s early death must have been most painful for her especially since she was not around to be with him when Tatang breathed his last.

Some years back when she had saved enough money and an opportunity presented itself, Ateng fulfilled her life’s dream for her Tatang. She invested in a memorial park lot in San Jose and there built a beautiful family mausoleum where Tatang’s remains were transferred. She said the mausoleum was primarily for Tatang who never owned a lot much less a decent home when he was still alive. Ateng would always say how she wish Tatang were still with her today to enjoy the many things he used to love like Chinese food, good coffee, classical music, movies, and little children (so like many of us Mendiola men, come to think of it!).

If you ask her, however, Ateng says, in jest of course, that she never got married because her husband would not have survived having six brothers-in-law who are her most vocal critics next to Inang when it comes to her suitors.

Seriously though, having never gotten married must have been in God’s plan for Ateng considering how she has touched her brothers’ lives all these years. From Kuyang our oldest down to Jessie our youngest, Ateng has always been around to support us either individually or as family men whatever our needs are and whatsoever it takes for her to help us. Her whole life has been one long story of selfless dedication and loving concern for us her six brothers and our families.

All these years, Ateng has been aging gracefully and embracing her God-given vocation as single woman faithfully.

Today, the 3rd of May 2009, our dear Ateng turns 70. As a tribute to her and to thank her for everything that she has done for us and for everything that she means to us, we (the whole clan) are surprising her with a party she never would forget.

Today, we want to make her feel that all her sacrifices for us have not been in vain, that like Martha in the bible, she truly is one sister who has lived up to her vocation of dedicated service and unselfish love for family!

It is also Good Shepherd Sunday today on her birthday. Come to think of it, we all have felt God's love all these years because Ateng has done such a good job shepherding us all!