Father hunger and me

I came across the term “Father Hunger” recently after reading Tim Russert’s "Big Russ and Me: Father and Son: Lessons of Life". A huge bestseller, it is a book about the Russert father and son and their life together. Russert says that soon after the book’s publication, he received an “avalanche” of letters from men and women who wanted to tell him about their own dads, a manifestation of the phenomenon of father hunger among many Americans today.

Russert soon came out with another book, based on those letters, titled “Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons”, a surprise runaway hit, reaching #1 on both the New York Times bestseller list and on Book Standard’s Overall Bestsellers Chart.

I still have to read Russert’s Wisdom, but the words “father hunger” stuck with me. And I started to wonder whether the phenomenon is culture-free and not just typically American. “Do we Filipinos have father hunger too?” Perhaps yes. Maybe we are just not aware of it. And the inevitable question to myself: “Do I have father hunger?”

And my answer is, yes.

You see, I noticed this father hunger in me years ago when I did my Genogram as a requirement in my counseling course. I realized then that I knew so little about my own father and that I wanted so much to find out more about him and his life. There was a void I wanted to fill, but I could not as my father was already gone then and so were my mother and all those who knew him intimately. They could have given me answers to questions that I have long wanted to ask my father about himself.

And so it was at that time when I directed my energies on improving my relationship with my children, especially my son, and started to read more on the topic of fathers and fathering. Books (fiction or otherwise) and even movies became interesting to me when they dealt especially on father and son/daughter relationship.

Just the other day, I watched another such movie that dealt on father-daughter relationship. Mamma Mia is a fun musical with a tinge of the father hunger theme. It is actually a story woven around the more popular songs of Abba, a Swedish singing group. It is the story of Sophie, the daughter who grew up not knowing who her father is and dreaming to meet him someday. She then discovered through her mother’s diary that she actually has three possible fathers whom she all invited to her wedding, while secretly hoping that she would finally meet her real father and thus satisfy her dream; actually her unconscious “father hunger”.

It just came to me now that my own version of father hunger, unconscious as it is, has appeared also in my writings. You must have noticed that in June last month, the month dedicated to fathers, I devoted my blog exclusively to my writings on fathers, fatherhood, and fathering. Now I know why.

In any case, I think it will be worthwhile for all of us to take to heart what Sophie, the daughter in Mamma Mia blurted out to her mother: “I will never, ever let my children grow up without them knowing who their father is”.

A eulogy for my brother Romy

We interred our eldest brother Romeo’s ashes at the family mausoleum in our hometown of San Jose, Nueva Ecija yesterday, Saturday 19 July 2008. He died from complications of organ failure the other Saturday, July 12, 2008 at the age of 73. He is our second brother who died in less than two years leaving me now as the eldest boy among the remaining siblings of four boys and one girl.

There were eight priests from the Dioceses of San Jose and Cabanatuan who came to concelebrate the mass at the San Jose Cathedral yesterday. After communion, I being the oldest living boy (my only sister is older that I) among the siblings, expressed our thanks to all who were there.

Actually, I prepared some sort of a eulogy and farewell for him, but I became shy and decided at the last minute just to convey my gratitude to all in behalf of the family.

This is what I prepared to say:

“During the last few months or so before he died, Kuyang (that is what we called him) and I spent many hours together just talking about a lot of things: his life as a young boy in Pulilan, the war years, his going back home to San Jose, his seminary days and his priestly ministry. He loves talking about the past and our family, but whenever I ask him what he misses most of all, his answer would always be the same: he misses saying Mass, celebrating the Eucharist. That is how much he loves the Eucharist.

And so today, if you ask me how I would summarize Kuyang’s life, I can only think of summarizing it in relation to the Eucharist.

In St. John’s Gospel where Christ is depicted to have instituted the Eucharist, we can find four significant things that Jesus did: He took bread, blessed it, broke it and gave it to His disciples and friends. Taken, Blessed, Broken, and Given – these words too can be used to describe Kuyang’s life.

Christ took him away from us his family, chose him among others and brought him to the seminary despite the many hardships it entailed for all of us. Christ then blessed him when he was ordained to the priesthood and sent him to the people of Nueva Ecija. But then Kuyang was also broken when he left the priesthood after serving for 16 long years. He was broken some more when he suffered a stroke and confined to a wheelchair and his bed for many years – the once very active and sociable person that he was must have suffered a thousand deaths as he patiently and with courage accepted his lot. But without knowing it, Christ actually had given him already to the people he ministered to in Cabanatuan, Jaen, Calaba and Licab. And now He is sharing and giving him again to his family and friends as a life worthy to be emulated.

Taken, blessed, broken and then given – that is the Eucharist and that also summarizes Kuyang’s life.

Today, as we gather here with his eight priest-friends and colleagues to celebrate the Eucharist, I am sure Kuyang could not have wanted more. Thank you dear Reverend Fathers and thank you dear friends. We could not have given him a better send-off celebration.”