For the first time in many years, I am alone and at home today, All Saints Day or Undas in Philippine tradition, when we remember and visit the graves of our loved ones in cemeteries. I stayed behind mainly due to my spinal ailment which does not allow me to stand or walk for a long period of time.
I found myself instead remembering the dead who have in one way or the other affected me as a person.
Three deaths have etched themselves deeply in my mind and awaken me to the reality of death and my own mortality as a young teenager in high school. Cora was a year younger than me. She was the prettiest and the darling of their class. She was my secret “crush”, the very first one that I can remember. At her funeral, I cried for the first time for someone who was not my family. Berting was a year older than me. He was the most promising in his class being the class valedictorian. Then there was Ric, two years ahead of me and classmate of my sister Elena. He was handsome and the star basketball player of our school’s varsity team.
Naïve and innocent I thought then that it was okay for old people to die but not for young ones. Those three died in the prime of their youth. And for the first time I asked God then: “Why them, Lord?” To this day, I still have not gotten an answer.
It was much later when another death touched and affected me deeply -- my own father’s death. Maybe because it was the first death in my immediate family and so the pain of loss was great. There was also some sense of regret for I thought that I have never really served him when I was in fact a priest ministering to the needs of others. Grief must have overwhelmed me so much that I remember concelebrating at his funeral mass but it was as if I was somewhere else. Today grief has turned into joy when I remember my father. Somehow I know he is happy where he is.
The last time death has had a real impact on me was the death of a very dear friend some years back. She was my classmate in graduate school course in Counseling. We became close friends and one of those who helped me find my true self-identity that led me to decide to leave the priesthood. We remained close friends even as we led separate lives and raised our own families afterwards. That is, until she decided, allegedly, to end her own life. To this day, her manner of death remains in question and I leave it at that. But no matter, I hope and pray that she is now at peace.
Today I remember them and all the others whose deaths have left a deep void in my heart, like my beloved mother Paz and my dear brothers Romeo and Renato.
For all of them I offer this prayer/poem that I have gotten somewhere I do not remember now.
NO TEARS
by Lourdes Bautista Gaskell
I consider you still alive. For your life
has not ended, only changed,
to love me more, watch and
protect with loving care.
us in this world that’s why God
touched you first, I, to follow
next.
Help me please, fulfill too
the works and dreams you left
unfinished so that someday, we
may, together, enjoy eternal rest.
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