New Year Thoughts on Time

“Happy New Year”! In a few hours, it will be another year … the year 2008. I was just thinking that the New Year, the year 2008 is after all, man-made. It is just our way of counting the passage of time. Time such as a year, months, days, the hours, minutes and seconds are all inventions of man… Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as a “new” year!

Yes, we are so obsessed by time that we have become a people with “gods” (watches) in our wrists. For us, time has become “gold”…They even say time has become our modern-day slave driver, tyrannizing our lives, so much so that we seem to live in what people call a “chronocracy”…

We are all so conscious of how time flies so swiftly and so we hurry up joining and getting caught in a rat race. We are afraid of being labeled “lazy” or indolent. We forget in the process, the art of intimacy, of being with others, of just being there and doing nothing, of saying “I love you” effectively. In her book, The Simple Living Guide, Ms. Janet Luhrs writes that "Our time famine is really an intimacy famine. It is much easier to stay busy and frantic than it is to love and know ourselves and others deeply."

We too have forgotten what is essential, that with God there is no such thing as time. There is no past or future. With God everything is in the present, everything is a now. Truly, God is an awesome God! He is always here, present and forgiving us, loving us, embracing us…all the time.

In parting, let me share with you this prayer:

For the year that is ending
we thank you.
For the year that is beginning
we thank you.
Forgive the wrong we have done
in the year that is past;
Walk with us in the year that is beginning
and call us
each by our own name
to follow your Name
in all the days to come.
Amen.

(December 31st, 2005 Helen Walker)

Parents and Letting Go (2): A Father of the Bride Writes

Yesterday, I took on the real-life role of a Father of the Bride. I am now sharing with you the letter I wrote to Pizza and her groom Jayson. Here it is:

My dear Pizza and Jay:

Pizza, like I said in our Christmas newsletter this year, if I used to count the days before Christmas in the past like a child does, it is not so this time. And I suppose you know by now why.

Don’t get me wrong, however. I think this is just what they call mixed emotions of happiness and sadness. I feel very happy because I know you are marrying someone you love and who probably loves you even more than you love him. You are marrying a fine young man in Jay and I cannot ask for more. It is the feeling of sadness that I cannot seem to account for. I do not know where it is coming from. Does the father of the bride really find it hard to let go of his daughter at her wedding? Especially at the wedding of his eldest daughter, his first child who has given him that certain smile and inexplicable happiness upon holding her for the first time many years ago?... I do not intend to find the answer now. Suffice it for me to become aware of my feelings and share it with you.

But let me not dwell on my sadness. Instead, let me share with you more about my happiness. I am happy because I know I am giving away in marriage a daughter who is beautiful inside and out, a daughter I am very proud of -- like a gift I am not afraid to present even to God because she is the best. Because to a certain extent I can claim I have brought you up pretty well. But of course, a big part of my happiness comes from knowing I can now look forward to having a grandchild who is near to me and who I can enjoy and “spoil” easily… But let me quick to add, I do not want you to be pressured to have a child right away. I can wait… With my “new” heart I expect to live and enjoy more grandchildren than I would have, had I not gotten a by-pass surgery.

Jay, you would probably think that it is only as a consolation for me as Pizza’s father to say the familiar “I am not losing a daughter but gaining a son”. But I will still say it not to comfort myself but because that is what I truly feel. But neither am I saying that you are a replacement for Nico my only son who is away. It means that I am accepting you as you are, somebody different, someone unique. And I think you want nothing else but that you be accepted for what you are…I am aware of your apprehensions for joining the Mendiola family. My unsolicited advice is for you just to be yourself. You see, I have taught Pizza and my children not to look at externals but on what is inside, what is essential that is unseen by the eye. In that sense, please don’t you ever wish again that my future grandchild be not a “mukhang Galura lang”. No matter who she/he takes after, he/she is your child, my grandchild, and beautiful. I know that you will be a good father because you have been and still are a good son… And finally, being the good son that you are, you most likely miss your father on your wedding day. But don’t ever forget that just as I gained a son in you, you also did gain a father in me. I just hope I can come near to being a father to you as he has been in his lifetime.

Now, go on both of you armed with my blessings and prayers... Next year, come to think of it, I shall go back to counting the days before Christmas once again!

Parents and Letting Go (1)

Today is the 17^th of December, it is seven more days before Christmas. In a few days, on December 20^th, my eldest daughter Pizza is getting married... I must admit that I have been thinking a lot these days not so much about Christmas but about parents letting go of their children.

To this day, I still cannot explain why it was easy for me to let go of my son Nico when he decided to follow his American dream after a vacation in the U.S. with his sisters in 2003, but find it difficult to let go of a daughter (I have three daughters and a son). You see, I have already experienced letting go of a daughter before though not in marriage. Dana (my second daughter but third child) decided to join Nico in California in 2005 to explore whether she could find an oppotunity there that hopefully would give her some fulfillment in life. Allow me to share with you now a letter I wrote Dana some two years ago.

My dear Dana:

I have been planning to write this ever since you left last Friday, but I just could not get myself to do it… I thought maybe now that there are no more distractions – I can better sort out my feelings and express the reasons why I have been feeling this way since two days before you left Manila… So, here goes your Papa. Bear with him as he bares his soul:

Remember how Mama and I often said and preached to others in our parenting seminars that our goal in parenting is to provide you with roots (values) in your early years and then wings (freedom) later on in your adult years so you can fly and be on your own? That is easier said than done, I realize now! I found it very difficult and painful to let go of you, my daughter. And that was the reason for my tears when you left for the airport. Yes, even when I know that I was letting go of you for your own good, for you to follow your dreams, to explore, to find out for yourself what life is really all about… But I must say, I do not regret a bit that I allowed you to go. Just as I did not and still do not regret having let go of Nico two years ago. The pain was there when Nico went, but this time there is an added pain… as I see another one of my children going her own way.

I thought maybe there is also a sense of selfishness involved; of me just wanting to have you around while I am still alive. As I told Mama, I wish you remained children forever! But that is also not possible and right, isn’t it?

As I analyze my feelings further, I realized that I have guilt feelings after all! The past came back to me – especially the times when you were younger. And the kind of a father I was – strict, aloof, moody, quiet, formal, seemingly unloving. Then add to it my being an absentee father for sometime and the little time I spent with you in your growing up years. I realize all my shortcomings -- not only to you and Nico but even to your Ate (eldest sister). I wish I fathered you the way I am parenting Mae today. I was just fortunate I had Mama for a wife who made up for what I lacked. Now here you are and about to go on your own! I feel as if I am not yet through with my parenting. Time seems to have gone so fast… Now I know that this is the source of my feelings and tears after all.

One more thing, what you had disclosed to me recently also came back to me. How much you felt hurt when on your 7^th birthday, you did not have your own party as 7-year olds usually do, because I timed it to coincide with your baby sister Mae’s baptism in order to save money. I thought how insensitive could I have been then! You were right. I forgot to respect your feelings even as a child. I did not realize how insecure you were and how jealous you were of Mae who came almost seven years after you. We should have known better then as your parents to realize that it was normal for you to feel that way and that the money we had saved could not have compensated for the hurt you suffered.

At this point therefore, let me sincerely ask for forgiveness, my daughter, for that pain we inflicted on your young person then. At least now I know you won’t do that to your own children… And let me assure you now how much loved you are with a unique love that is truly only for you -- because each one of you from your Ate Pizza to Mae, is a special child for me, for us your parents. How could I forget that you were our “bunso” (youngest) for so many years? How could I forget the joys you brought into our lives when you were born? Remember that, after Nico was born, Mama and I really wanted and requested for another girl. And that was you! So, how can you not be someone special even from birth?

Let me say something now about ……, your friend. Did I tell you that I admire him for letting you go? It only means that he loves you that much – for him to let you go and search for the fulfillment of your dream. If this separation would mean for you to fall in love with another one, well and good. It only means that you and he are not meant for each other. But should your love for one another endure despite the separation, then I say, that’s it! They say marriage is not all love. It is also destiny. Look at Mama and me!

Today, Dana is back here with us. If anything, I thank God not only for the experience that that separation has given my daughter but also for what it has given to me – helping me prepare to let go of my daughter Pizza when her wedding day comes and for reminding me what my favorite author, Kahlil Gibran, has written on children:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Now, I think I am ready to take on the real-life role of the Father of the Bride!

Waiting

Today, I spent almost the whole morning waiting for my youngest daughter Mae for her to finish her classes and exam at UP (University of the Philippines)… Of course, I prepared for it. I brought my notebook and pen, the novel I am currently reading, my book of Sudoku puzzles, and my walking gear. I did my regular walking first around UP campus, then settled down in my car to do a puzzle, read some chapters in my novel, and then finally jotted down notes for this post until Mae texted me that she was done. I drove her home thinking I spent my waiting time wisely because I prepared for it.

But, let me tell you that I have not always been like this at waiting. Believe it or not, I used to be very poor at waiting. I always want action right away. I expect concrete results as soon as possible, if not now. At intersections while driving I hate to see the red or orange light. I always thought the person in front of me in a queue is too slow, the bank teller is taking too much time counting money, the waiter is dragging his foot, and so forth and so on. In other matters, I want to open my gift right away, eat my favorite dessert first before anything else. In other words, I did not have patience, the virtue of waiting, of delaying gratification as psychologists would say.

What made me change slowly is the simple story I read of a young woman who was waiting for the butterfly to emerge from its cocoon. She was totally fascinated by the whole process until she grew impatient and wanted to speed it up. She decided on an experiment and heated the cocoon with artificial light though gently. The butterfly soon emerged from the cocoon but with a defect – it has wings but they are too weak to make the butterfly to fly due to haste and impatience.

There was my own experience too with my son Nico who developed a very serious school phobia when he was in Grade 5. We waited for many years doing everything possible to make him go back to school and when we realized he was not going back to school anymore due to severe psychological trauma, we tried everything to equip him with the basic education at home through tutorials and the help of others plus prayers and trust in God’s providence that He will make things beautiful in His time. Our waiting paid off after 7 long years when he suddenly decided to take the government’s Philippine Educational Placement Test (PEPT) and became eligible for college without having gone to high school formally. He subsequently enrolled in college and successfully completed it without a hitch.

The lesson I want to impart is that when we wait, as one spiritual text puts it: “we begin to see that what we await isn’t in our hands. We learn to hope, trusting it will come.”

Come to think of it, that is what happens when tomorrow, the nine-day Misa de Gallo begins in preparation for Christmas here in the Philippines. The Church, in sanctifying the art of waiting through the Simbang Gabi and Advent, teaches us to wait and grow in spirit as we wait. It also turns our attention to God who always waits for us, this time as a Little One in a manger.

The Embers of December

Did you know that December literally means “tenth” from the Latin decem meaning the number ten? Why it is today the twelfth month of the year and not the tenth is something I cannot explain.

No matter what, like many Filipinos, I have always considered December a joyful month. It has always been my favorite month ever since I can remember. It is the culmination of the “ber” months commencing in September that for many Filipinos signal the start of countdown before Christmas. (Some entities like radio and TV stations, believe it or not, start the official countdown of the days before Christmas and play Christmas carols on the 1^st day of September.)

I have reasons other than Christmas, however, why the month of December comforts me like embers in a fireplace – the cool and comfortable weather, the multi-colored lights and Christmas decorations that one sees everywhere, the simbang gabi, the gifts, and generally the excitement of waiting, the anticipation of something beautiful to happen (haven’t you noticed that Christmas has turned waiting into a virtue?).

December too is my late mother’s birth month. She was born on December 24 and was named “Paz”, Spanish word for peace. And so, family reunion time when I was growing up was on Christmas eve, on my mother’s birthday, when my older brother who was in Manila working and studying would come home in time for the family “Noche Buena”. Christmas Day would then be spent going around visiting our “Ninongs” and “Ninangs”. After I got married and had children, Christmas eve has been reserved for family reunion with Thelma’s family (the Alvarezes), while Christmas Day is for the Mendiolas (my siblings and their families).

The last and of course, not the least reason why December is a special month for me is my marriage to Thelma on December 23, 1978. Notice that I did not say “my wedding” but “my marriage”. You see, for me there is an essential difference between the two. A wedding is just the ceremony, the rite of marriage. It is all done in a matter of an hour or so. Marriage like love is never finished, it is always a work in progress, constantly developing as both partners work on it. Preparation for a wedding may take months or even a year, but preparing for marriage is a lifetime.

And so, when December 23 comes around this year, I would not and could not care less about remembering the details of our wedding such as the rites at the small Hilton Hotel Chapel in Manila, the reception afterwards at the Coral Terrace of the same hotel with only a little more than a hundred guests, and so forth. What I care a lot about on this day is the commitment I have made to the woman I vowed to love “in sickness and in health…. till death do us part”. I care whether my love for her has grown and whether I still “love her today more than yesterday”. And I am sure that because of this, I have overcome hardships in our marriage through the past 29 years.

Christmas, gifts, birthdays, reunions, marriage – for all of these and no matter whether it is the tenth or the twelfth month of the year, I thank God for December!

Our Family Christmas Newsletter

Today I finished writing our family Christmas newsletter. This is a ritual that I have been doing for the past fifteen years or so. It is essentially a summary update of the past year on the life of my family -- the highlights, the events, the highs as well as the lows. It is then sent out to friends and loved ones in place of the regular Christmas card.

Looking back, our newsletter started out of my disappointment from receiving lifeless and impersonal Christmas cards (the Hallmark type) with the usual printed greetings and oftentimes just a signature at the end. I personally felt that it being Christmas, people should put in something more personal in the way they expressed love at Christmas.

And so our newsletter was born. At first it was just a plain letter, typewritten and photocopied then signed by us. An occasional personal note was occasionally added depending on the recipient.

At first, producing the newsletter involved just my wife Thelma and myself. As the years went by, and with the advent of computers, the children who had grown up got into the act and introduced other features – fancy fonts, photos, clip arts, etc and our newsletter slowly evolved into what it is today…

Today, I still author the whole letter, my daughters Pizza, Dana and Mae do the layout and choose the photos, while Thelma takes care of sending them out either by email or regular snail mail. It truly has become a family affair.

We like to think that our friends and loved ones appreciate our newsletter by the response we have been getting. Many say they look forward to it. Some said they have been encouraged to do the same. Maybe we did hit the right formula for expressing our love on Christmas Day!